Love the SUN

Since I can remember, I longed for a relationship with my father. There were stand-ins, but there was never that uniquely blood borne relationship.

The relationship that was my foundation through seventeen years of life was with my foster mother/ blood cousin. That relationship was severed as I grew into my independence longing to see the world outside the comfort zone of the south side of Chicago's Englewood community...a struggle ensued whereupon my desire to be free to grow and explore eventually won out over my Ma's desire to live her remaining years vicariously through me and my younger brother! I loathe how that experience effectively ended our relationship and some have suggested that the failure of that relationship as well as no relationship with my blood mother are largely to blame for how dysfunctional my relationships with women have been. A marriage of fourteen years was all but dead after only six months and I'm just now coming out of another on again/off again relationship of ten years more or less. Throughout my adult life however, one goal has remained immutable! The desire to provide my sun everything I never had...most especially a father!

My son's mother and I are divorced but I will always love her for the gifts of our two children. Both pregnancies were compromised by fibroid tumors! Our daughter Jamila was born (and died) at 22.5 weeks gestation... with our son Evan we experienced a McDonald stitch variety cerclage, amniocentesis, twice daily fetal monitoring, pregnancy induced hypertension, a cesarean and a bout with E coli resulting from nicked bowels. He is today however; The Sun that lights my way...the fuel that gets me through the day and the prayer that takes me into that good night pushing toward tomorrow's light. Every day I grow closer to him and long for my understanding of things universal to pass by osmosis from me to him. I wish all that I have learned to be his understanding of the world today without my prejudices so that he might be inclined to change the world around him.

I wish everyman with a son out there felt similarly, but there are far too many boys becoming angry, violent big boys...so it's obvious that's not the case!

I will do what I can to buck that trend by loving my light, my son...my SUN forever...